Walking Out Your Front Door
by Hiruma Musouka
Summary: The embarrasing incidents that result from scientists screwing around.  mild Ichigo/Benihime


**Beta**: **kaliawai512** on LJ who also did the artwork in the story!  
**Pairing/Characters: **minor Ichigo/Benihime, Renji, Nemu  
**Word Count: **2,256  
**Notes:** written for my **kissbingo*** card (unintentionally) for the prompt 'type: stolen'. *****IMPORTANT***** There are links for pictures on the LiveJournal version of this story along with links that take you right to translations for the Japanese included within. Normally I don't write much Japanese in my fics, but that's how Benihime sounded in my head.

Anyway, the pics can be found at prismdropz(dot)livejournal(dot)com(slash)16018(dot)html

* * *

"You two are complete morons," Rukia stated.

Ichigo and Renji just exchanged looks from their respective seats in the Urahara Shōten, wincing at the sounds of someone being violently ill in the background and just waiting for one of the Fourth Division members to get around to healing them. Which would be less nerve-wracking if Rukia would stop staring at them for two seconds.

"How did you idiots even get injured! It was an easy job! Three Hollows! Three, low-level, simplistic hollows. Those things could probably chew on you without giving you a bruise at your level! But here you are with Renji having a broken nose and Ichigo with cuts everywhere!" She pointed accusingly at each of them, as if the very force of her ire could squeeze answers out of them.

Not that either was inclined to tell her the _truth_.

* * *

"Well, that was boring," Renji complained as the last Adjuchas dissolved into nothing.

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, "they almost seem to be getting weaker."

"Maybe Aizen's running out of the stronger ones? We haven't seen an Espada in weeks."

Ichigo gave him a look.

"Maa maa," a female voice gently interrupted. "That's a simplistic theory and highly unlikely. Perhaps you should leave the thinking to those with skill?"

The two whirled around, hands going for their swords at the unexpected intrusion. This just seemed to amuse the woman if the sleepily smile she gave was any indication.

"Who the hell are you!" Renji demanded. "And how'd you sneak up on us?"

The woman laughed softly and spun the handle of the delicate umbrella that was propped against her shoulder. "You don't recognize me? I'm hurt. But then again, Shinigami tachi wa wakarimasen." She brought a cloth-covered hand up to cover her mouth and her eyes glittered slyly, "Akai Shinigami-san wa baka desu."

"WHAT DID YOU SA-" Renji cut off as he slammed face-first into the ground.

The woman bounced from Renji's head (which apparently made a good stepping stone) to stand in front of Ichigo who quickly backed up. She smiled demurely as she held the closed umbrella in front of her.

"And you must be Kurosaki-san, yes?"

"Yeah…" Ichigo trailed off glancing from the strange blonde down to Renji who was holding a bloody nose.

"Then it's a pleasure to meet you in person, Ichi-go-san!" she sing-songed with a playful glance. "Surely you recognize me?"

He paused, ignoring Renji's grumblings in the background as he looked her over. There was something bizarrely familiar about her: light blonde hair falling straight to her waist, an umbrella and a very weird crimson outfit similar to a furisode, except that it closed on the right with small golden ties like a cheongsam instead of having an obi. Added to the complete lack of shoes and the bright red eyes, she made a very unique impression. Not one that he could place though.

And Ichigo was positive he wouldn't have forgotten someone like her. It would be like forgetting Yoruichi. It just wasn't possibly without a head injury.

"Ah, how disappointing," she sighed. "And I was sure I'd made such an impression on you when we fought. My lord will be disheartened that you find his princess so forgettable."

"My lord?" Renji questioned as he backed into a fighting stance. "So you _are_ allied with Aizen!"

There was utter quiet as the woman shifted her eyes towards Renji. Ichigo couldn't really say what changed in her expression but the serenely cheerful smile had been replaced by something darker. Some glint which threatened bodily injury.

"I will make an exception for Freeloader Abarai-san and ignore the insult this time. But it would, perhaps, be best if you reconsidered that line of thought. I'm sure that Byakuya-san would prefer his fukutaichou returned with his blood inside his body. After all," she chimed, a dark glint masked by a coy smile, "it's very hard to fill out forms neatly when you're suffering from partial exsanguination."

Renji bristled and his reiatsu started heating up in preparation for battle. The woman just tilted her head and shifted her bare feet into a different position. Ichigo had the sinking feeling that if he didn't do something Renji was going to charge her, and frankly, anyone who could sneak up on them probably wouldn't be the easy fight Renji clearly thought she would be.

"Why don't you give me a name, so I'll know what to put on the Fourth's medical chart," the hot-headed moron growled as Zabimaru's segments slowly separated.

The woman smiled slowly (and really, why the hell did Ichigo find this whole scene eerily familiar?) before stating, "Watashi wa Kami-sama desu. At least compared—" she cut off and stared off to the side.

"Her name," a woman spoke softly, "is irrelevant. Mayuri-sama has requested her return as part of an ongoing experiment."

The two Shinigami and the unknown woman stared at Kurotsuchi Nemu. She had her Zanpakutou unsheathed and was watching the lady in red with an impassive face. Said blonde had finally dropped the smile and was giving Nemu a calculating once-over.

"Wait, you're an experiment?" Ichigo asked confused.

The offended sniff he got in return was almost comical. "Iie, that fool would need far more than a simple gigai and gikon to create someone like me. Also," she turned towards Nemu, "I have no intention of returning to the Twelfth without Mi'lord."

"Your cooperation is not required. _**Hyapporankan**_."

Shafts of light sped towards the blonde who simply stood there. Ichigo lunged forward intending to block it but found himself cut off as Renji grabbed his kosode and flash stepped. A second later a short trill was sung and a vermillion barrier flared into existence, stopping the spell in its tracks.

"I know that technique!" Ichigo exclaimed as he elbowed Renji in the nose. Renji cursed and glared at him – which would probably have been more effective if he hadn't looked like Rudolph and Ichigo had actually been paying attention.

"_**Sōkatsui**_." Nemu prepared another kidō but the energy had barely gathered when she was slammed into the ground. The blonde had a bare foot ground into Nemu's sternum, and the tip of her umbrella was glowing red and hovering a scant distance above the fukutaichou's trachea. Her eyes were narrowed in distaste and her hair fell in a curtain around the two women so that it brushed Nemu's shihakushou.

"Do you think, little doll, that you could actually match me? You can't even match the fool you call father, and that backstabber can't hold a candle to My Lord." The words were amused, condescending and vicious in their cruelty. Which was to say nothing of the foot slowly compressing Nemu's ribcage.

Ichigo hardened his resolve and shouted, "Benihime!"

The woman looked up with bright crimson eyes matching her dress and smiled in genuine pleasure. "Ah, so Kurosaki-san isn't quite as dense as he likes to pretend." The umbrella sparked against Nemu's throat as the petite Shinigami moved.

"That's enough, Benihime. Knock it off. She isn't going to try anything." Ichigo kept eye contact with the human Zanpakutou and tried to convey how serious about this he was. He remembered fighting against Urahara when he was regaining his Shinigami abilities. Add that to the hints of vicious ruthlessness Benihime was showing towards Nemu… yeah. Ichigo really didn't feel like getting bandaged by Urahara because the man's Zanpakutō kicked his ass. Or even worse, getting healed by the Vizard. Hiyori would never let him hear the end of it.

Luckily for Ichigo's pride, Benihime seemed disinclined to kill Nemu after all. She just shrugged, put her umbrella back against her shoulder and walked towards him. "So, what tipped Kurosaki-san off about who I was? You seemed quite oblivious at first, and Zangetsu-san hasn't said anything."

"You can hear him?" Ichigo blinked.

"Your abilities at inference are truly astounding, Kurosaki-san," Benihime cheerfully mocked. "Kisuke-dono will be quite proud of his former student." She paused. "Present student. Former." She glared at him playfully, "You should visit us more often for sparring sessions. You still have much to learn and I have few fights worth waking up for. But still, my question, if you will?"

"Uh…" Ichigo stalled as he shifted awkwardly. "The barrier's the same as what Urahara-san used before."

"And?" she questioned with a coy smile that made Ichigo mildly uncomfortable.

"Well, your appearance fits your name. And you act a little like him but you're less spastic and a little meaner. And you… uh… youkindofsmilelikehim," the human Shinigami finished in an embarrassed rush.

Renji and Benihime stared at him blankly before the Zanpakutō puzzled out his words and started grinning. Deviously grinning. The kind of grinning that had _never_ turned out well whenever he saw it on Urahara or Yoruichi.

/_Nice job, King. As if the bitch wasn't unpredictable enough_./ his hollow muttered mutinously. Ichigo scowled and shoved him down further inside.

"-ow you even got into human-form, anyway," Renji was saying. "Muramasa was already dealt with and the only Zanpakutō who retained any ability to take form outside the sword were those he affected. Which shouldn't have included any Zanpakutō in the human world."

"It didn't," Benihime agreed, "my current state is a result of Kurotsuchi Mayuri's arrogance. He was attempting to replicate Muramasa's abilities to manifest and then control a Zanpakutō spirit. Presumably, it was meant to be a weapon against Kyōka Suigetsu – which is pure imbecility – but I find it very interesting that he would come all the way to the human world simply for a test subject. It seems… ill-intentioned, yes?"

"Wait, that fucking lunatic went after _Urahara-san_ first? What the hell? Who'd want that wackjob's Zanpakutō loose- OW!" Renji bellowed as Benihime's umbrella connected harshly with his nose _again_. Ichigo rolled his eyes and punched Renji in the head.

"Will you just shut up before she breaks your nose permanently?"

"You bastards are worse than Rukia," Renji growled as he squeezed his nose.

"I'm sure Rukia'd love hearing that." Ichigo smirked. "Now, why would this be useless against Aizen's sword? I mean, he obviously can't control you, but if he managed it against Aizen then it would weaken him."

Benihime smiled at him indulgently – like he was a kid who'd just asked why water couldn't catch fire. "You obviously haven't crossed swords with that wretched blade or you wouldn't be ask—"

"_**Rikujō**__**—**_"

Nemu, in what was clearly an unwise attempt to complete her father's request, had recovered and evidently decided to use the conversation as a opportunity for one last shot at Benihime. Which failed miserably, considering that Urahara's status as a Shunpo Master seemed to carry over to his sword.

Both males winced at the loud crack followed by a small shower of debris that occurred as Benihime slammed her foot into Nemu's stomach hard enough to embed her in the concrete several yards away. The Zanpakutō was more than a little ticked, though, because as soon as the Shinigami crash-landed, a web of red energy shot out of her umbrella's tip to create a net.

"There!" Benihime nodded decisively. "Now even if the little doll wanted to, she can't get loose from my _**Shibari**_. Although, that's probably attracted quite a bit of attention by now."

"Attention from who?" Ichigo questioned. "Is Urahara-san looking for you?"

"Iie," the woman said flatly. "Kisuke-dono is currently far too busy being violently ill from our former third-seat's incompetence. Which reminds me," she said brightly, clapping her hands together lightly, "I had an errand to accomplish!"

The look in her eyes was more than a little creepy combined with their blood red color. Which was distracting by itself, but Ichigo was a little more concerned with the previous statement. "Urahara-san's sick?"

"Hai," she nodded. "He hasn't been this miserable since that time in West 69th when he was a chibi."

"Yeah," Renji nodded, "there's some pretty nasty bugs that go around the higher Rukongai districts. They can be real bad especially for people with reiryoku."

Ichigo scowled. Apparently Ishida hadn't been exaggerating when he said that Mayuri was a twisted freak. If Ichigo ever saw the Twelfth's captain, he was going to kick his…

"What?" Ichigo asked suddenly, as Benihime started grinning at him. The Zanpakutō didn't answer but just slid closer until she was standing right in front of him. From this distance he could see the small jeweled ornaments clipped into various parts of her hair.

"What!" he demanded, a blush creeping up his neck as the woman circled him slowly and grinned wider. She stopped in front of him and Ichigo nearly jumped out of his skin when she reached up to pat him on the cheek.

"Kisuke-dono was right. You are just too adorable," she cooed before darting forward to steal a kiss. Ichigo squeaked before nearly landing on his ass as he tripped over himself trying to back up. Benihime just laughed into an upraised sleeve before vanishing in a flash of shunpo.

There was utter silence for a moment as Ichigo tried to stop blushing before a muffled snort was heard. He whirled on Renji who met his eyes once before completely breaking down into hysterical laughter.

The substitute snarled and lunged for Renji without even bothering to get Zangetsu.

* * *

All of which is essentially the very long, very boring story of why two Bankai-capable Shinigami ended up in the infirmary on what _should_ have been an easy mission. None of which is ever, _ever_ being repeated to anyone.

_Especially Rukia_.

*** Notes ***  
- "Shinigami tachi wa wakarimasen." = Shinigami (plural) don't understand.  
- "Akai Shinigami-san wa baka desu." = Red Shinigami-san is an idiot.  
- "Ichi-go-san" = She made his name into a pun based on the Japanese words for "one-five-three"  
- "Watashi wa Kami-sama desu." = I am God.  
- Hyapporankan (百歩欄干 _Hundred Steps Fence_) - Bakudō #62  
- kosode: the black shirt part of the Shinigami uniform  
- Sōkatsui (蒼火墜 _Blue Fire, Crash Down_) - Hadō #33  
- Rikujōkōrō (六杖光牢 _Six Rods Prison of Light_) - Bakudō #61  
- Shibari, Benihime (縛り紅姫 _Binding, Crimson Princess_) is one of abilities of Urahara's shikai. It forms a tangible net of energy.

*** Artwork ***  
Benihime jumping on Renji - (see LJ for link)  
Benihime Final Version inside Urahara's Inner world - (link on LJ)  
Benihime First Draft - (ditto)


End file.
